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Assorted Church Humor

Last update: 04/11/2007

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS

The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:....................... There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:................... Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:.............. Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:................. I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:................... ...Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:..................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:.................... Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn:.......................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn...... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

Church Marquee Signs

Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies. Forbidden fruit creates many jams. To belittle is to be little.
Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive. It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees. Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!
A clear conscience make a soft pillow. Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place! Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours? Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due. What part of "Thou Shalt Not" don't you understand?
Soul food served here. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case. Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1. Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back. Under same management for over 2000 years!
Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you. God answers knee-mail. CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY! Trespassers will be baptized!
No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace. Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside! Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush. How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking. Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world. It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon. ch__ch - What's missing? U R!
In the dark? Follow the Son. Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up. For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets
(accompanied by a picture of two hands holding  the Ten Commandments)
People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are. Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily.  
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be to the Faaaather....and to the Sonnn .......and into the hole he gooooes."

Hymns for the Aging

Precious Lord, Take my Hand (And Help Me Get Up)

It is Well with My Soul (but my back hurts)

Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing

Amazing Grace (Considering My Age)

Just a Slower Walk With Thee

Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

Go Tell It on the Mountain (And Speak Up)

Give Me that Old Timers Religion

Blessed Insurance

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah (I've forgotten where I parked)

26 Beautiful One-liners

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a faith-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions – just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
|20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.
25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

(Supposedly these appeared in actual church bulletins. Not ours of course!)

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Miss Charlene Mason, sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art", as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'
Ushers will eat latecomers. Evening massage - 6 PM Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.		 Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa." Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus. Tonight's sermon-"What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.